Karma Ain’t A Bitch After All

https://instagram.com/p/BBnz3G8omxB/
*deep sigh* Wow. I mean where do I begin? Sooooo much has gone on lately and after a quick conversation with my life coach, Kerri R. Smith-Osei, all I can do is chalk it up to karma, learn from it and move the hell on.

I’ve had relationships end and ties severed. Some were my doing. Others weren’t. Well…they were all my doing but….some of the these relationships I ended and some of them were ended with me. And in the grand scheme of things it’s fine. It’s all a learning experience, right? Am I hurt? Yes. Will I be ok? Of course. Have I learned some things? Abso-fucking-lutely. Take notes fam.

Never depend on anyone for your basic survival needs. Housing. Food. Transportation. Basically the bare minimum that you need to go out and generate that coin for yourself….find a way to get and maintain it on your own. Don’t rely on others for these things. And if you can’t find a way, make one by any mean necessary (I do not condone illegal activity so do NOT put me or this blog posting in your statement at booking when your ass get caught the fuck up). This is your livelihood, your survival. Do you really want your life in the palm of someone else’s hand? And granted times are hard and situations can be even harder. If you find yourself relying on others for any of those things, have a plan of moving towards self sufficiency and don’t get too relaxed, comfortable or complacent. The rug can be snatched from up under you without notice and you want to make sure you can land solidly on two feet.

Never mix business with pleasure. Just don’t. And I think we all know the kind of pleasure I’m talking about. I know you’ve heard this saying before. That shit is the truest thing I’ve heard since Saturday when Beyoncé broke the internet and my life with Formation. Take it from me, just don’t do it.

When doing business, ALWAYS take care of business by sealing it in writing. Protect yourself, your work and your worth by having a contract in place. Don’t do anything for anyone without a contract being in place. The moment you decide to do business with someone is the moment when you have to separate any personal ties and emotions from the situation and protect yourself legally. Respect yourself enough to protect yourself. Set boundaries on what you will do and how much you will be compensated for it. This will eliminate any signals from being crossed later on down the road if emotions happen to creep up in the mix.

Actions speak louder than words and titles. Maya Angelou said it best when she said, “If someone shows you who they truly are, believe them.” We get so caught up in our rose tinted perception of people that we neglect to see all of the evidence of their character that’s in plain sight. The perception really gets obscure when you give a person a certain weight holding role or title in your life. Society has taught us that certain roles and titles comes with certain predetermined characteristics and responsibilities. I’m learning this is not true. Life is not cookie cutter. You make your own rules. You must first evaluate and give meaning to these titles and roles in your life and picture the characteristics you would want a person filling that role to have. As people show up in your life, take time to really get to know them. See them as the person they are showing you. Are they someone who deserves a certain role or title in your life? Move accordingly.

Not everyone is meant to have a front row seat in your life. This includes family. This goes hand-in-hand with the previous lesson: take a long hard look at the person they show you. That IS the person they are. Believe it! Ask yourself if this is the type of person you want to have around on an intimate, front row to the stage play called Your Life kind of level. If the answer is no, set the proper boundaries and love them from afar. Also, don’t let anyone shame you into feeling bad for doing what you need to do to take care of and protect yourself.

Sometimes Karma truly feels like she’s being a bitch and that’s ok.  Keywords here: feels like. I just realized I don’t really care for the sentiment “Karma’s a bitch.” I see Karma as Law of Attraction’s sister that everyone calls the trouble marker of the family. And Life is their cousin. And these three roll tighter than any squad you know. They were in formation before Beyoncé called any of us to attention. Sooooo if you’re calling Karma a bitch, then you’re calling Law of Attraction AND Life a bitch….so what does that say about you relationship with all three…particularly YOUR LIFE!? See where I’m going with this? Karma is just another tool that the Universe uses to teach you a lesson from time to time. Do we like it? Hell no. But can we learn from it? I bet all the hot sauce in my bag that you can! You have to make the conscious decision to not be a victim in your life and take responsibility for the role that you play in the things that happen. Do that and you’ll keep Karma from having to get in your ass but you also learn to respect her when she does.

Life is all about having as many experiences as possible. I’m grateful for the experiences turned lessons I’ve been having lately and I look forward to what’s on the horizon for me. The more aligned with Self I become, the more aware of my role in my life I become, and Karma, Law of Attraction, Life and I form the dopest bond ever. Like I said, Karma ain’t a bitch after all.

Hands Up Documentary Post Thoughts

 Last night I attended a screening and panel discussion of Hands Up, a documentary on a young woman’s experience of the Ferguson, Missouri protests following the death of Mike Brown. It was held here at George Washington University in Washington, DC. I’d found out about it through Erika Totten, community activist and one of the panelist for tonight’s event.

As I delve deeper into the work, spaces like this inspire me for many reasons. Through spaces like this I’m able to get back in touch with parts of me that had become desensitized by the overwhelming imagery of black bodies being slaughtered for social game. I’m able to reignite my fight. My rage. My passion. Through these events I’m also able to learn how to be productive with these newly rediscovered emotions and sensations.

Last night’s panel provided insight, knowledge and context to the movement. It had me sitting there like:

So much knowledge flowed from the five panelists that I’m STILL processing it and will be for the next few days.

Leaving the event I had these thoughts:

Follow me on snapchat: chantelldenise

I think walking away from this, one thing that left me looking at my own stuff the most was a point made by the director of Hands Up, Zinhle Essamuah, within the documentary. As she went up to Ferguson with the goal to tell the story of those directly affected by what was going on, she was met with the community and inner push to tell her story…to add her voice to the movement. One of the points that she made was that as a young black woman in the activism arena, we get told to simmer down so much that when the platform is available for us to speak our minds, we’re afraid of not being heard. I’ve found myself experiencing this plight within my own life.

As a writer, for years now I’ve been fighting this internal battle of sharing my thoughts vs. the fear of not being heard. There’s been plenty of times where I could have lent my voice to the movement but didn’t because I was afraid that my voice wasn’t strong enough due to my desensitized view points…or my lack of wisdom due to age…or whatever other story I would tell myself in that moment.

Last night reaffirmed my confidence in my voice and my story.

My voice is valid.

My voice is heard.

My voice is supported.

My voice is an important part of the movement.

And yours is too.

For more information about how you can get involved, connect with all of the activist below.

Zinhle Essamuah: http://simplyzinhle.com @simplyzinhle

Hands Up Documentary: http://www.handsupdocumentary.com @handupdoc

Clifton Kinnie: @cliftonkinnie

Erika Totten: http://www.ToLiveUnchained.com @2liveunchained

Black Lives Matter (DMV): http://www.blacklivesmatterdmv.org @dmvblacklives

Randi Gloss: @randigloss

Gloss Rags: http://www.glossrags.com @glossrags

#52Weeks – Week 1: Persistence

A good friend of mine, Michelle Alexander has started a video challenge called #52Weeks. It’s an amazing and empowering movement that implores women to chronicle their journeys in life over the next 52 weeks via YouTube videos. She then shares her video as well as a select few of the other videos she received for the week on her amazing site called A Gurlz Guide. No, I haven’t done an entry for the challenge just yet. In fact, I want to do one later on today. But in this moment I want to do a written version of the #52Weeks Challenge because what I have to say is more than a five minute video can hold.

This week I relaunched this website with the intention of being completely transparent and giving my readers all of me intentionally. That’s my tag line. That’s what I plan to do. I believe that there is someone who needs you exactly where you are. I also believe that our greatest lessons and blessings come from the people who we connect with. So who am I to deny someone of the lesson or blessing I can be in their life? More importantly, who I am to deny myself of all the lessons and blessings that are supposed to show up in mine? With social media being what it is today, it’s so easy to reach a mass of people with just the right hash tag or trigger word so why not use all of what society gives me to my advantage? That’s what I am doing. I am giving you all of me; intentionally. I implore you to enjoy the ride and become part of my journey.

That’s what I’ve been doing this week. Amidst all of this, I was also sitting at home trying to come up with cash to pay my bills. That’s what I do every week. I do internet marketing from home with a company called Instant Rewards Network. It’s a great company. It actually works. But for some reason, it’s not working as well as I need it to right now and it hasn’t been for a little while now. I know, you might ask, “Well how come you just don’t get up and get a real job?” My answer is that I never have, nor do I ever see myself working for someone else’s dream in an effort to just get by when I have dreams and aspirations of my own that I want to work towards. Too many people put their lives on hold to work on their Just. Over. Broke. Situations. and they are miserable. Life is supposed to be a journey filled with happiness and I can truly say that although I may be in a tough spot right now I’m truly happy. But I say all that to say that, although I’m truly happy with my life, this week was really hard for me and I was feeling the financial pressure.

Having a support system is great. It’s actually necessary. Even if it’s just one or two people who truly know you and who you are truly comfortable with whom you can be completely transparent and vulnerable with…yeah, THAT’S the type of support system you want. Thankfully through the wonders of social media and more specifically Facebook, that’s the type of support system I have. They are spread out near and far but I know when I need an encouraging word I can scroll through their wall and find inspiration or shoot them a quick message for some one-on-one TLC. I received a beautiful addition to my support system in the form of an amazingly patient lover and friend in July. This morning she lived up to everything I expect from someone who I share my life with so intimately. She virtually sat me down and had a heart to heart with me about what she’s noticed about my performance this week and asked if there was anything she could do to help me get over this hump in my life. After rehashing all the event of this week, looking at what I did, what I didn’t do, taking into account her suggestions, I came to the conclusion that I just have to press on and be consistent. And sometimes that is all you can do.

Many times when we get stuck and we’re in a situation that doesn’t feel too good, we immediately try to shift gears and change what we’re doing to change our situation. Even if there is nothing that we can find wrong, there’s something in our brain that tells us that something needs to be fixed and/or changed. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Nothing in life is a mistake or is wrong. The perceived “bad” things that happen to us are just events that needed to happen in order to be a lesson for us in this journey called life. Sometimes in those tough moments life is really trying to teach you persistence; to remember what drove you to do what you set out to do in the first place. Does the desired outcome still serve you in this moment of your life? If it does, then you are exactly where you need to be. You just need to press on, consistently work towards your goal and be persistent about what you want in life. Hard work truly pays off. The greats didn’t get to their goals overnight. Any entrepreneur will tell you that. They will also tell you that they have had earth shattering lows and skyrocketing highs. The thing that stayed the same when all else failed was their persistence. They kept going.

This is what I realized about my life this week. I just have to keep going. Everything is already working itself out for my overall good. I claim it, therefore I shall receive it. I put those intentions out into the Universe. So it shall be!

Don’t give up. I’m persisting and you can too!

Check out Michelle Alexander’s #52Week Challenge here on A Gurlz Guide!

I Am

Me posing for the cover of my high school’s magazine, Rated-T, during a black justice rally in DC. Circa 2007.

I AM…

The very manifestation of everything that is life.

I FEEL…

Like words can bring pain, just as much as a sharp knife.

I SPEAK…

Multitudes. On subjects others vocals are too socially trained to even like.

I SEE…

My people…My humanity. The Accomplishments & The Strife.

I TASTE…

Still …to this day…the texture of the tainted language I want to exchange when fighting for my rights…Human rights.

I WRITE…

According to…my voice & the voices of those unheard. Speaking progression at every chance; Day & Night.

I LEARN…

Everything I can pack into my brain that will assist in the survival of my impact on the masses..[To shed light.]

I TEACH…

The right to the freedom of simply being….making decisions based on your inner eye-sight.

I LIVE…

Every contradiction…forever rising. Knowing that falling may be a part of my flight.

I AM…

The very manifestation of everything that is…life.

Bible Thumping My Right To Be Me

Last week was a very huge deal for the LGBTQ community, our straight allies and those with common sense. In essence it was about marriage equality for the lgbt community . So of course, as one who fully supports and fights for my rights as a black lesbian in America, I without a second thought publicly displayed my support of this week’s movement all over my social networks. Although I did not hesitate in being all of who I am, I think that in the back of my mind (as with every homosexual out there), I anticipate a certain degree of backlash from people. So when the following message popped up in my facebook messenger box, I subconsciously was prepared however initially it still threw me for a loop…

“Chantell, I’ve been keeping quiet for a long time. Ever since we had the conversation about it. Please know that I always have and always will love you and I only want what’s best for you. I know you decided to live your life as an out homosexual. But I don’t understand why you have to shove it in our faces like that. I get it. You say you’re proud of who you are and are happy with your life. But let’s be honest here, you are living a life of sin and deep down inside I know you are not truly proud of that. I know you. You were raised better than this. What about all of those young girls who you said look up to you? What message are you sending to them? What example are you being for them? How can you possibly be an inspiration to them when what you say and what you do are two completely different things? I don’t understand. What happened? How can you possibly think that this is what God intended for you? You are one of His children, know you are loved. And I’m not talking about love from me or your mother or anyone else who has your best interest in mind, I’m talking about eternal love. The love that only He can give you. It’s yours. It’s waiting for you. He’s waiting for you. I will always love you and be there for you when you need me. Just think about all that you say and do in reference to your salvation and the life I know you know is promised to you. I love you much and miss you “oh so dearly”, as you would say :)…”

It came from a “friend” of mine who I had known from the church I used to attend when I lived in West Virginia. Me and this person were really close and I looked up to her when I was struggling with my sexuality. Even once I was comfortable with who I am and told her, I still respected her because she didn’t let my acceptance of who I was effect our relationship. Or so I thought… Needless to say, later on that day I deleted her and I’m sure we wont be talking again. I wish her well though. I’ve just come to a place in my life where I accept the differences of others and I ask that you do the same when it comes to me. The fact that she tried to push what she believed on me shows where she is and shows that she doesn’t know me as well as I gave her credit for.

See, growing up in a Baptist church, Sunday in and Sunday out I heard that homosexuality was a sin. Don’t get me wrong, I heard about the other sins too, but none were talked about with such severity as homosexuality. If you even thought about it that was your instant death. So when I began to realize my attraction to females, I did everything I could to make it go away. Tried to pray it away. Tried ignoring it. Tried forcing myself to like boys by having sex with them. I tried everything. And when all else failed I even tried suicide. I was so petrified of disobeying God and of burning in hell that I had forced myself into a hell on earth. It wasn’t until I went to Job Corps and I was away from the church that I had an opportunity to look at what my life had become. Slowly but surely I began to accept that there was nothing I could do about who I am and who I’m attracted to. So I just accepted it with the faith that if God didn’t want me to be this way then He would change me when He saw fit. The more I walked in this, the more comfortable I was being me. I started forming healthy relationships with both males and females. And I’ve been able to experience and practice unconditional love. Looking back, I am grateful for the experience because it led me to my true Self and I have learned a lot.

But I know my story and struggle resonates with people who have and are experiencing the same or similar things. Although homosexuality is becoming more accepted throughout society, there are still teens that struggle on a daily with feeling comfortable with themselves and the belief system that challenge how they truly feel inside. Religious scare tactics that people use make this self-acceptance just that much harder. And bible thumping is still as prevalent as rascim. Later that day, one of my favorite lesbian web series, Between Women was a victim of such bible thumping hatred. Their YouTube account was hacked and instead of the highly anticipated new episode, viewers were subjected to a 30 second slideshow that pretty much said we would all burn in hell because of what’s stated in Leviticus 18:22. Coming from a Christian background, I understand the scripture and for the sake of argument lets just say that bible thumpers and most “religious” people tend to take the bible both out of context and too literally.

My “friend’s” words have not shaken my confidence nor the hatred I experienced from the bible thumpers at the marriage equality rally or online. It is sadly all just a reminder of the challenges I face every day from people who are still living insecurely. I hold these people in a place of love. I forgive these people. And in this moment I realize that, as always, everything happens for a reason. I’m proud and grateful for my growth…a year ago this would’ve been an entirely different conversation. So I actually can thank these people for showing me my growth and I wish them the best in theirs.

I have so much to offer and I am so much more than my sexuality. When I wake up in the morning that’s one of the last things that is on my mind. I don’t look in the mirror and ask “How can I be more lesbian today?” No! I look at myself and challenge me to be more of service than I was yesterday and the day before that combined! THAT is what I am here for. THAT is what I was called to do. THAT is one of the things at the top of my list of Who I Am: A person of service. I was destined to give back and share with others all of what God has given me. And like I said, accepting and embracing ALL of me, including my sexuality…ESPECIALLY my sexuality, has helped me and given me the strength to do what I do.

For me March 25 and 26 were about more than marriage equality. It was about making that young girl or boy feel comfortable in their skin and allowing them to grow up knowing they aren’t different because of who they love. It was about teaching the true message of God which is unconditional love. It’s about love. It’s about love. It’s about love. It’s about love, unconditional love and what that truly means. Don’t smile in my face and say you love me and you don’t love all of how God made me. Don’t stand proud and say the Pledge of Allegiance with your right hand across your heart while your left hand chokes my dreams of “liberty and justice for all”. Who I choose to love doesn’t change your life at all. And your religious scare tactics have no right to saude a court’s decision on allowing me the freedom to love. In fact, it shouldn’t have to be a court’s decision at all.

It’s All For My Good

This is my outlook on my time here in the Navy. I joined the Navy for two things: College and Travel. I have seen places that I never thought I’d see. May sound crazy but for the longest Cali seemed like I white girl’s rich fantasy to a lil hood brown skinned girl like me. I have met some interesting people…some of them I like, some of them I don’t. And I have obtained some knowledge on things that most 20 year olds from my neck of the woods don’t even know they could contemplate wanting to learn about. And this is all the surface blessings I have received. I haven’t even began to talk about the transformation within that I have seen. I no longer that scared young adult who was afraid to go home and get stuck. I’m no longer that young adult who felt inadequate because society doesn’t look at a high school diploma, let alone a GED. No, I’m not the same girl that I was coming into this. And I wont be the same girl once this is all over. And for all of this I am so very grateful and blessed.

I want to stay in. I do. Not to “protect and serve”…but I realize I made a commitment and Im not one to break a promise. I also have invested too much of my time in this to be forced to walk away with nothing. Not to mention, I came in with a goal and I want to see it thru. I have mentally put things in motion and how dare I come this far to short myself out of my dreams. And lets not forget that Im growing, maturing, and my Spirit feels that I still have some lessons to learn from this experience and I don’t think this stage in my life is complete yet.

The serenity prayer. I have been battling with it for a few weeks now and I think right now, in this moment I am getting it. I pray for the serenity to accept the XO’s decision to morrow if it is not in my favor…and if it is, then I thank God for the courage He’s instilled in me to change things for the better…..and right now, in this moment, I thank God for giving me the wisdom to know the difference AND be ok with both sides of this coin. Because like I said, I know, it has already worked out for my good.

With all this being said, I shall rest my eyes, my mind, body and Spirit and conclude my day with a lil Sade…be blessed fam and thank you all for your prayers and support! Much love & GN!!!

I Gotta Find Peace Of Mind

So I recently got myself into a situation that now has my career in the balance of someone else’s hands. But backing up a bit before that, in everyone else’s eyes I have been on a destructive path. ….actually, truth is (which Im still trying to accept) I was on a destructive path…am on…no, was. I was on a destructive path. A self-destructive path. See this was not the first time I had put myself in such a predicament as to give up my power over my career. But this time could be the last straw. Only time and the Universe know for sure. I can only be as positive as i can be and know that at the end of the day, whatever happens happened by Design and is for my better good. Which brings me to the blessed and self-awakening moment I had today. I told my mentor at work about the whole situation hoping that she could give me some advice about how to go about things. Usually I take what she says but I accept it with a know-it-all attitude. I can tell that she in a sense has taken a step back from being so eager to come to my aide…even though she hasn’t said it. I can feel it. But I still went to her seeking advice. We two are too busy women and have not had time to talk in depth about my situation. So, I sent her a message on fb. But I digress for a moment. (And please forgive me in advance if I may seem all over the place…thoughts are jumping at me…my body, specifically my fingers, can not keep up) The message I sent her was prompt by my Life Coach…indirectly and directly. See, when I told her about my situation she asked me a question. She asked me, “Why do u do the things that u do?” On the spot I didn’t have an answer…or maybe didn’t want to go there. But I always tend to delve into and ponder our sessions after they are finished. I emailed her with my answer, she replied with a solution…”…surrender.” Long story short I have been surrendering. Which, full circle, is how I got to sending my mentor at work a message on fb. In laymen terms it pretty much said that I am surrendering to the process. I am open to her advice, not from an arrogant place but of a place that is humble and realizes I really need some guidance with this situation and this process. The whole time Im txting this message to her (because i do EVERYTHING from my phone lol), Im listening to Lauryn Hill’s MTV Unplugged album. “Find Peace Of Mind” comes on and the tears start flowing. In THAT moment I got it. In THAT moment I was there…my soul was at peace (even in the fear). In a space of surrenderance (yeah I just said surrenderance). In a place where I realized that my fighting, these guards, these walls, my self-defense mechanisms are doing me more harm than good at this point in my life. In that moment I knew and I felt that I was ready to put pride aside. See there’s a huge difference in saying something and being or feeling it. I felt it…Im feeling it. Im ready to stop fighting. Im ready to start fixing. And in THIS moment I claim it. In THIS moment I receive it. In THIS moment I AM it. I AM fixed. I am fixed no longer letting hurt and pride get in the way. I am ready to positively move forward and obtain what I set out to obtain from this stage of my journey. Im Ready.